The Twelve Suggestions

Awaken

We spend most of our lives asleep. By this we mean living not in accordance with our own perceptions, but according to the interpretations and values given to us by others. Even when we feel we are making conscious, adult choices we are largely reacting according to programs that were imprinted on us in early childhood. Having such an unconscious guidance system reduces the effort it takes to navigate through life. Unfortunately, it also means that our responses to events will often be inappropriate. This is because pre-programmed responses are inflexible, unable to take into account different circumstances or changing values. Our responses will be imperfectly aligned with the events we are responding to, and this lack of alignment creates some degree of discomfort within us, which can vary from a subliminal uneasiness to overt feelings of anger, resentment or fear.

Awakening is a deliberate, conscious choice to perceive both our inner world and the outer world as they truly are. It requires us to recognize the unconscious filters through which we see those worlds, and to understand the unconscious programs by which we live our lives. As our awareness and understanding of these programs grow we may be able to discard the ones we find cause us the most discomfort, replacing them with chosen responses that are in better alignment with our situation.

As we work to awaken, our feelings about the events around us, both positive and negative, become stronger and sharper. At the same time, the constant sense of unease that most of us live with diminishes. That gives us a new sense of confidence and control that paradoxically allows us to relinquish control, to "go with the flow", since we are now aligned with the current of our life rather than constantly fighting it.

Awakening to our true nature as conscious beings and to the true nature of the world we live in is a lifelong journey. It leads us to unexpected realizations and a constant stream of new wonders. It is the jewel at the center of our existence, costing nothing but of infinite value.

Trust

Trust in its broadest sense (also known as Basic Trust) underpins our entire relationship with the universe, including the other people it contains. Like so many of our core traits, basic trust is formed at a very early age. Young children who have secure attachments with their parents have a general sense that the world is predictable and reliable. This basic trust is formed by loving, sensitive, care givers — not from our immutable genetic makeup or from having a continuously positive early environment.

If our early holding environment is damaged (and it's always damaged to some extent due to our inevitable separation from our parents as our egoic selves develop), we lose some of that basic trust. We begin to feel that the universe is an uncertain, dangerous place, where random events threaten our security and people respond to us unpredictably or even negatively.

All of us experience some loss of basic trust, no matter how well-intentioned our parents might have been. That's just the way life works, it seems. Fortunately, some of that lost trust can be regained later in life. A large part of the sense of undependability comes from the fact that the unconscious programs and filters we absorbed in childhood cause us to react to the world inappropriately. These misaligned actions generate unexpected outcomes, as the real world reacts to us differently than we expected. This mismatch between our filtered perception of the world, our programmed behaviour, and the real world's response to it reinforces our feeling that the universe is fundamentally untrustworthy.

One of the key qualities of awakening as a conscious being is that we come into better alignment with ourselves and the world. As that happens, we can respond to life's events more appropriately. As our responses gradually come into alignment with the true nature of our world, the world's responses to us in turn become more predictable. As the predictability grows, we can feel some of our lost trust returning — the universe begins to seem less capricious and threatening.

Inner inquiry into the nature and origins of our implanted perceptual filters and our programmed behaviour is essential to this process. Going back to our earliest childhood memories to find out how those experiences formed our sense of self with all its intricacies and quirks will reveal the filters and programs, and that revelation will give us control over their influence. As that inner journey progresses, the true nature of the universe we are living in gradually clarifies. As we align with it, it stops seeming so threateningly random, and basic trust is gradually restored.

Our ability to trust is the underpinning of our greatest glory as conscious beings — our ability to love.

Love

"There is only one happiness in life — to love and to be loved." — George Sand
"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly." — Sam Keen

There is no other human experience about which so much has been written, yet so little is known. Just when you think you have it figured out, the comprehension slips out of your grasp like a wisp of smoke. We all know about it, but most of us have the sneaking suspicion that we don't actually know it.

All too often when we try too look at it too closely love seems to dissolve into something else. I feel love for my partner, but on closer examination it may resolve into equal parts of need, pragmatism and a fear of being alone. I may feel love for my country, but a more dispassionate inspection may reveal tinges of pride, exceptionalism, xenophobia, groupthink and deference to authority.

And yet...

Most of us have come close enough to love (whatever it "really" is) to appreciate the intensity, the devotion and the sense of loss of boundaries that the feeling invokes. We all understand that love truly is what makes life worth living. What is it, then, that keeps us from actualizing this noblest of states within ourselves?

It is a truism that you cannot love another without first loving yourself. If you do not love yourself then the love you feel for anyone or anything else will be coloured, re-shaped, corrupted and ultimately blocked by your inability to love the core of your own universe -- yourself. And the key is that loving yourself is possible only if you are aligned with yourself and your world.

As was the case with Trust, love must be based on a true perception of the person you love and the ability to relate to that person authentically. If we see them through filters, and respond to them through programs, love is simply not possible. We may experience a convincing facsimile of it, but real love is possible only when you are in true relation to the one you love.

Since all love must start with the self, it follows that the inner explorations described above in the thoughts on Awakening and Trust will lead almost inevitably to the ability to love. First we rid ourselves of filters and programs, so that we may relate authentically to the true object of our love. Once we can do that, love blossoms automatically — the human heart appears to have the drive to love as its Prime Directive.

We can not "create" love. We can, however, easily prevent it from blossoming. If we wish to have more love in our life our best chance lies in removing the impediments to it. Fortunately, those impediments lie within ourselves and are surprisingly amenable to compassionate and persistent attention.

Connect

Connections are the fabric of the universe. Connections at every level form the very stuff of existence.

Human connections between parents and children, between lovers, friends, co-workers and even between strangers on the Internet serve to keep us all sane. It's no coincidence that the ultimate punishments involve the removal of connections, whether though ostracism, banishment or solitary confinement. At a very deep level, humans need connection in order to remain fully human. When we want to improve our mental health, the counsellor's first advice is, "Get out and make some more friends."

At a deeper level, forces such as gravity and the strong and weak atomic forces connect the physical objects in our universe. Without those connections the planets, stars and galaxies could not even exist.

On a more abstract level, the connections between ideas make possible the growth of civilizations. Connections between states of being are required to make the slightest action possible. And since both ideas and states of being can represent or involve physical matter, at some level of indirection they too involve the physical forces of the previous paragraph.

At a deep philosophical level, every connection in the universe is at least faintly represented in every other connection, no matter how real or abstract each connection may seem to be. Given that understanding, it is but a short step to the idea that every element of the universe, whether physical (like atoms or galaxies), emergent (like civilizations or human institutions) or abstract (like scientific theories) is connected to every other element of the universe. The fact that those connections may not be obvious or measurable, or may seem unimportant to our present needs does not vacate this fundamental truth.

Continuing down that chain of reasoning, the next stop is the realization that the universe itself should perhaps more properly be thought of in terms of its connections than its elements. Elements of the universe may change, but if the infinite lattice of connections is not broken, the universe itself remains intact.

As human beings, it is our privilege to become aware of, and consciously participate in, this infinite lattice of connections. In fact it is in the web of connections that all creativity is rooted. Every human action creates new connections or changes existing ones. As human beings we can choose to create connections that are harmonious and fulfilling to us. By creating or changing the connections that bind us to the universe, we participate in the dance through which all the elements of the universe co-create this existence. In that sense, we each share in the powers of God.

If we think of God as the infinite sea of connections that underlies our reality, then it's possible to see a single connection as the quantum unit of the sacred. Every time we consciously create or change this fabric of connections we have the opportunity to become aware of the infinity in which we participate, and through that to touch the awareness of God.

Detach

One of Gautama Buddha's great contributions to understanding the human condition was his teaching about attachment. Simply put, the teaching is that since all suffering springs from attachment, reducing your attachment to the world (or detaching yourself from it) will reduce your suffering.

In order to understand what this means, we must understand what is meant by "suffering", "attachment" and "the world".

According to Buddhist teachings, attachment springs from our separation from the world, from our innate dualism. This separation prompts us to cling to the world — to its people, ideas and stuff — as a way of warding off the anxiety of that separation. Unfortunately, since the world in impermanent, attaching to it only serves to heighten our sense of insecurity. Thus clinging to impermanent aspects of the world increases our suffering rather than alleviating it. In fact even an aversion to some aspect of the world — for example the dislike of a person, place or idea — is an attachment, since the aversion itself binds us tho the thing we dislike.

When we detach from the world, we free ourselves to heal that separation, as the boundary between inside and outside is no longer being reinforced by our attachments across it. As the separation is healed, the suffering it causes is likewise diminished.

Now you might be asking yourself, "Just above he was talking about connecting as a good thing. Here he's saying that detaching is a good thing. What gives?" The key to resolving this apparent paradox lies in understanding a subtle distinction. Attachment is not the same as connection. In fact, attachment is pretty much the opposite of connection. Attachment occurs because of dualistic separation, and reinforces that separation. When we detach, we reduce the separation, and therefore increase our level of connection. If separation causes suffering that is relieved by connection, then detaching reduces the amount of suffering.

Here's an example. When I am detached from some aspect of the world, say the outcome of an election, I am more able to accept both the outcome no matter what it is, and also the individual supporters of any of the political parties involved. That acceptance increases my level of connection. It doesn't mean that I will have no opinion about the election or the parties involved. As a social human being, I could hardly help but have opinions. However, if I recognize that even election outcomes belong to the world of impermanence, I will be less attached to any particular outcome, and thus will suffer less regardless of who wins or loses.

The essential beginning of any journey from attachment to connection is to discard the perceptual filters and behavioural programs that were implanted at a very young age. As long as those remain in place, we respond to the world as though it was an extension of our inner state. In other words we remain attached to it. The journey to detachment is exactly the same as the journey to trust, love and connection.

Accept

One of Michel Cimino's great lines from the movie "The Deer Hunter" was delivered to the character Stanley at the beginning of the hunting trip after the wedding. Sitting on the hood of their car up in the mountains, Cimino pulls a rifle cartridge from his pocket and holds it up to Stan, saying, "Stanley, see this? This is this. This ain't something else. This is this." That line captures the essence of acceptance. This is this. Things are as they are, and no amount of pretending will make them otherwise.

As long as we remain under the spell of the filters we were given as very young children, it is very difficult to see things as they are. The filters mask their real nature, and we see them largely as reflections or projections of our own internal states. Discarding the filters helps us see outside objects, events or situations more clearly. Of course, in order to discard our filters we must first understand what they are and how we acquired them. The inner inquiry into the origins of our filters as described under "Trust" is the key to this process.

Clarifying our perception is only the first step in acceptance, however. In order to truly accept the universe as it is, we need to respond to it authentically. It is of little use to understand that "This is this" if we then say, "Yes, but I it should be that, because the fact that it's this makes me uncomfortable." That reaction comes from the programmed patterns that we inherited at the same time that we got our perceptual filters. To complete our journey of acceptance we must be able to respond to the clearly seen universe as it is, not as we would prefer it to be for one reason or another. Fortunately, the same journey of inner inquiry that reveals our filters also allows us to investigate the origins of our programs, and becoming aware of them likewise loosens their hold on our behaviour.

The ability to see things for what they really are, and respond to their true nature is true acceptance. For example, imagine being stopped by a red traffic light. It helps our acceptance if we can realize that it's just a traffic light rather than something put into the universe by malevolent fate to impede our personal journey. It helps even more to then realize that our impatience is an automatic response that stems perhaps from a fear of being late that was generated by a traumatic incident when we were three years old.

Out of such mundane stuff comes our ability to accept things as they are. This ability to accept is yet another manifestation of our improving alignment with the universe.

Forgive

Wait

"Don't just do something! Sit there!!!"

Respect

Create

Nurture

Play

October 19, 2008

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